33

I know this blog has been slacking…actually it has come to a screeching halt but I'm about to tell you why:

Over the Hill (but actually known as 33); 33 years old.

            I was a little hesitant about this swipe because let’s be honest, he’s 33 and we all remember the 30 year old who grilled me about when I thought I’d get engaged and that forbidden topic of babies. But he was definitely cute and his profile followed the over 30 swipe rules of being mildly funny with no kids. He was even clever when he answered my initial message which is sadly rare so I was into it. Let’s fast forward to date planning.

            We went back and forth discussing our favorite places and his choices were music to my ears (which really only means his favorite places are also mine) until he mentioned a place I had never been and I made the unfortunate decision to tell him that. He took that as the end all be all decision for our first date location. I’m all for quick decisions except this place is not a first date place and being type A, I definitely don’t like going somewhere I’ve never been with someone I’ve never met. Over the next few days I tried everything to change the restaurant to no avail. I even sent some slightly aggressive drunk texts about it and I still lost this fight somehow. He offered to pick me up and since I had the same offer from other dates, I knew exactly how to get out of it, or so I thought. I’m not a big fan of being picked up for a first date because I just think they don’t need to know where I live unless I actually like them and let’s be real, some of these guys could be a batshit crazy psychopath. Text sent: “I’m out of your way, there’s no reason for you to do that! I’ll meet you there” paired nicely with a smiley face so they don’t feel defeated. I was in the middle of patting myself on the back for dodging that bullet when I got the text back; “Yes, you're out of my way but also out of my league neither of which are stopping me”. After I swooned for a second from the confidence and the over the top compliment, I had a moment of panic. Again, I tried everything to get him to change his mind but I lost this fight too. This girl is not used to losing this much and so I was childishly annoyed that I wasn’t getting what I wanted. I’m already hearing the word “no” too much from this kid and I haven’t even met him. (I’m using the term “kid” loosely…obviously).

            The day came and I’m still stuck with all of the decisions I didn’t make but I’m excited. I was even more excited when I got a morning text from him telling me he was looking forward to tonight. It was refreshing because usually I’m sitting there all day wondering if a date is still even happening and whether or not I can or should make other plans with my friends. I get ready and even pulled out my high-heeled booties because they make my legs look real good especially in my black skinny jeans (which I also wore). I slightly regretted that decision when I finished the pregame and realized I had to now actually walk around in these booties and not trip. Good news, I managed to make it to his car in what I can only imagine was slow motion perfection. Just kidding, I tripped a little but I don’t think he noticed. I’m used to taking ubers to these dates and making my driver listen to the spark note version of the guy I’m about to meet. It always seemed to make me less nervous, except in this car ride that’s not an option since I can’t really give this kid the run down on himself. I sat there awkwardly quiet while fidgeting with my hands (because that’s mature and sexy) until he took one for the team and actually spoke. You know when you haven’t spoken for a while and you’re kind of nervous (and also kind of drunk) and you stutter over your words at first? Yep, that happened. Can you tell I’m batting a thousand right now? The ride was actually nice once I stopped being super awkward; there were no weird silences and I even laughed a bit too. (Could be that pregame though).

            I knew this kid was really close to his family but I definitely didn’t expect them to be at the restaurant when we got there. Just kidding, they weren’t. This date just went so well that I had to try to make this a little funny but reading it over, I think I failed. To be clear, the family wasn’t there. Dinner was great and it had all my favorite things; a steady stream of compliments, food and wine…lots of wine. We stayed there so long we were the last ones in the restaurant and part of me was now worried about getting up and having to walk in these tall booties. Luckily without even asking he offered his arm, so we’ll just assume I would have walked straight with or without the assistance.

            At this point I’m smitten. He even makes the unfortunate decision to let me play my own music in his car on the way home but somehow still found me endearing. I’m dancing up a storm, smiling ear to ear when all of the sudden there’s a huge jolt. My phone flies forward while my head snaps back; we just got rear ended. Nope, not kidding. Because I’m the smoothest person around the first thing out of my mouth is “what just happened?” and surprisingly he actually answered that stupid question non-sarcastically letting me know that we just got hit. I thought of replying with a sarcastic “thank you Captain Obvious” but I was too shaken and smitten to do that. I let boys be boys while I frantically texted everyone I know about what was happening to me because this girl needs some sympathy right about now. I'm in the middle of furiously texting and getting attention when there’s a knock on the door. Can you believe it?! 33 made the other driver come apologize to me. I didn’t cry through this ordeal which might have saved this date from complete disaster (I’m also giving myself 2 gold stars for that). I made it home, still smitten as ever but now with some neck pain.

            I haven’t gone on a date with someone else since I met 33 a month and some ago. We’ve seen each other a lot since that first night and talk almost all the time (not in a creepy way though). There hasn’t been a day without me laughing which is just keeping me completely smitten. I’ve even met his friends already which was a shitshow in itself. I knew I was walking into a firing squad because no 30 something year old woman is going to love when their guy friend brings a token 25 year old around as a date and I pregamed appropriately. I survived but also got myself drunk under the table by this group. Holy dang, these 30 something livers work better than mine! Life goals at 33? I think so.

            I’m not sure I’ll write again unless this ends up going terribly wrong and there are more dates with other bumbles. Maybe I’ll eventually meet 33’s parents and maybe y’all want to hear about that adventure? As for now, I’m busy being treated like gold by this 33 year old, not letting a day go by without reminding him of his age and mine (because I’m charming like that) and coming up with a reason why I can’t wear burnt orange before football season starts. I see that color a lot now since it seems to be the staple color of 33’s wardrobe and I’m just not sold on it so any help with excuses would be appreciated. Wish me luck y’all because this is fun…yes, even more fun than the wild world of bumble swipes and dates.

Mr. A&M

Mr. A&M; 26 years old.

            I broke one of my cardinal rules when I swiped right on Mr. A&M since his profile said he was a “model”.  Usually the “models” on bumble have a couple of those real glamour shots where they’re looking off into the distance with perfect lighting while being perfectly dressed with a hint of makeup but since I didn’t see any of those in Mr. A&M’s photo lineup and he was cute, so I went for the right swipe.  Turns out the “model” has a real job! And it’s not a traveling consultant (that might be double the points). We had been talking for almost a week and things were going well; he thought I was funny and complimented me a good amount so I was definitely into it (but seriously, just feed me and tell me I’m pretty and I’m sold).

            He kept asking when we’d have this first date that kept getting mentioned which I thought was sweet.  I was seeing Traveling 30 that Tuesday (yeah, we’re still catching up to real time on this blog) and I usually try to limit my dates to one during the week and one on the weekend so I was giving Mr. A&M a little bit of the run around. It’s really hard for me to plan more dates than that each week for a few reasons. 1. I’m lazy and it’s hard for me to get all my shit together that many times to look decent and act somewhat normal; 2. Anymore than that and now we’re really messing up my workout routine; and 3. Yours truly lives alone and really can’t deal with other people more than that in one week, especially people I don’t know. There’s a limit to the amount of times I can talk about what I do, where I’m from, what I like to do and what brought me to Dallas.

            As it turns out, the Wednesday after I saw Traveling 30 I ended up getting off a few hours early so I decided to just see if Mr. A&M would be up for a last minute meet up; he was. Deciding on a place was a nightmare; every time I suggested a place, this kid would just throw something else back. Finally, I let him choose from 3 options because sometimes you just have to treat them like children. He also pushed back the time of our date but this time it worked out in my favor because I wasn’t going to make it earlier than our original planned time (which would jeopardize beating him there) and pushing it back actually allowed me time for some wine (because that’s always needed). 

            I had never been to this place before and I spent the first few minutes walking around lost, so I’m really glad he pushed the time back at this point. I find my way to the bar because I always like to have a glass of wine in hand when my date arrives because it gives me something to do if it’s awkward when they first get there and this first glass is also just part of the pregame. Between this place being almost pitch black and the fact that every seat at the bar was taken the bartender barely noticed me. I panicked a little watching this process move at snail speed but all was right in the world again when I had wine and no date yet.

            I chose to wear my go-to date outfit since it’s comfortable and I think it looks good but it’s basic as fuck.  Black leggings, long sleeve white shirt under my Barbour quilted vest paired with my brown riding boots and matching infinity scarf; I call it casual but adorable. Mr. A&M shows up in a suit, complete with a polka dot tie, so we’re slightly mismatched. Also at this point I am realizing that guys use “5’10” like girls use the phrase “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes”; it’s a lie but it makes the other party feel better.

            We sit at a table and I’m ready for another glass of wine. I order one and Mr. A&M is going hard with whiskey on the rocks…remember it’s a Wednesday. Anyway, things are going sort of well and by that I mean we’re not sitting in silence but I’m kind of mostly looking around. These chairs are also the worst type of uncomfortable. You know those really hard wooden chairs? Yep, those. These are also high top chairs and being short and having your legs dangle is even worse. To deal with these god awful chairs my solution is to awkwardly keep alternating crossing my legs (so the side of my bony butt that is in excruciating pain gets switched). I think he thought I was playing footsie with him because all of the sudden I feel a very tight grasp around my foot and he pulls my foot onto his leg. I’m really confused and my face must have showed it because his eyes got real big and asked “was that your foot?” I agreed but was still confused and that made it more awkward. On top of being short, I also have ridiculously short legs so my foot kept sliding off but without missing a beat there was that bear trap of a grip to bring it right back up. This is weird right? I’m convinced this is weird and this has never happened before and I hope it doesn’t happen again. Let’s fast forward to when it’s time to go home.

            He offers to drive me home which is pretty standard on these dates and I kind of expect it now (go ahead, judge me). I take the offer. I assume we’re walking to his car but we just keep walking farther and farther and now I’m freaked out. All of the sudden we’re in this weird residential neighborhood and it’s dark and there are no other cars or people. I am now convinced this is it for me, I am finally being sold on the black market. At least I have my go-to date outfit on so I’ll be guaranteed to get a good pimp. OK, slight overreaction. I wasn’t kidnapped. Apparently we were walking to his apartment since he walked to the restaurant (but that could have been something you told me before I was convinced I was maybe about to die). We even had to go upstairs to the kitchen to get his keys and yours truly sure as hell is not standing outside alone in the dark at this time so I follow. SURPRISE, he has a roommate who is waking up on the couch. And since I’ve had a few glasses of wine and I’ve been dutifully following him around I meet this roommate by leaning out from behind Mr. A&M accompanied by probably the most awkward half-assed wave anyone could muster. But seriously, who has a roommate over the age of 23?

            I did make it home safe and sound. I’ve actually seen Mr. A&M a few times since this first date and those times went pretty well. Minus the last time I saw him when he was barely walking straight and I’m not sure he even knew which girl I was…maybe he was seeing double at this point? It was real awkward. We haven’t talked since then. Next?

Guess Who

Guess who got wayyyyyy too drunk watching the Bachelor finale (who didn't see that coming..?) and drunk texted Mr.30 delightfully accompanied by a side of batshit crazy?  Yep, this girl.

 There’s the final nail in that coffin. Let us have a moment of silence for the loss of Mr. 30.

Just kidding...I already have two dates planned this week.  But whatever happened to that hot to crazy ratio? You know the one where guys are supposed to put up with a certain amount of crazy from a girl based on how attractive she is? I definitely qualify for some mildly sexual and aggressive drunk texts.  

But if anyone knows of any hot 30 year olds I’m still looking. You know what would be even better? Do you know someone turning 30? Because I’m pretty sure I’d love to be in a room full of drunk male 30 year olds. Hook a girl up y’all!