This is going to be the story of me and
my bumbles but before getting into the stories, let’s get the about me out of
the way. I’m 25, brown hair and small in
every sense of the word. I am mildly
sarcastic which on certain days if all is aligned is just me being a bitch
which pairs nicely with my resting bitch face.
I have a good job that requires a higher degree and I love wine….a lot
of it.
Why am I on bumble? I’m not exactly sure. Am I looking to get engaged next week or even
this year? No. I’m not even sure I’m
interested in getting into a relationship right now. But being one of the only single ones in the
group gets a little old, although I am a fantastic wheel. I imagined I eventually wouldn’t have to be a
wheel but I definitely would make a great cat lady as long as there was plenty
of wine…
How do I bumble? My age range is
set from 24-35. I obviously have to find
you attractive and we all have our own types so there’s no reason to get into
specifics. I look at your name and I
have to like it because I’ll eventually have to say it and maybe even yell it;
so if you have a dumb name, left. I have
a real job, so you better have a real job too.
If you’re a “model”, an “artist”, a trainer or work as a bouncer at the
bar down the street, left. If you’re 24
or over 31, you have to be pretty spectacular and mildly funny in your bio for
that right swipe. If you’re 30 or older,
you better tell me in your bio if you have kids and if you’ve been married. Also, I like when you tell me your height
upfront; under 5’10, left. If I see a
tattoo? LEFT. If you made that stupid
decision already, I’m going to assume you’ll make more very poor decisions.
Things I’ve learned from bumble so
far
-
Everyone
is a consultant. This seems to be
the generic job title for “I went to college and now do something”
-
Dating
younger just doesn’t work out. Why
do these 24 year olds have to be so dang attractive?!?
-
You
should/need to pregame these dates.
-
Always be
the first one there. You want them to have to find you off of 5 glamour
shots, not the other way around.
-
Everyone
will add you on snapchat if you give them your number. Sometimes this is
all that ever happens. I have bumbles that follow me on snapchat and I’ve never
even met them…
-
Try to
switch the restaurants you go to on dates. If you keep going to the same
ones, the waiters will start to recognize you and that’s awkward.
-
You will
match with people all around the country. You’ll find out they don’t live in your city after you start that
conversation and check their location, which is now in a different state. Some of them will weirdly still want to
talk...and be friends..?
Let’s get into the good stuff because I seem to swipe right
on winners. Sometimes they get too drunk, sometimes I get too drunk and
sometimes we both just survive through it. They are given nicknames based on their most
defining quality or fact about them.
For my
first bumble date I chose one that I wasn’t too interested in just in case I
ended up fucking this up completely and being an awkward wreck. I had yet to learn that I should pregame these
dates, but I was naïve and we all have to start somewhere, right? We’ll call him the Entrepreneur. He was mildly cute and really tall…almost too
tall. I made sure I beat him there so I could have a drink at the bar before he
arrived. He was late, which allowed for multiple
drinks. After a few drinks together I
convinced him to go to a place with better drinks and closer to where I lived,
for uber purposes. Although I pride
myself on being able to handle my drinks, at this point I was pretty
drunk. We ended up meeting my friends
out…which turned out to be a bad idea, but this was my first bumble date and my
friends were interested. The
Entrepreneur got real drunk and I left.
The next morning I woke up to 50 texts from him asking me how to get
home with the last one saying “forget it, don’t text me again”. What. The. Fuck? You’re 27 years old. Pretending not to know where you live isn’t
going to get you to come home with me, it just freaks me out. I didn’t text him
again and now I was a little scared to continue this bumble thing.
After a brief two week hiatus from
bumble, I matched with The Consultant (this was before I figured out everyone
is a consultant). He seemed nice but
wasn’t exactly my type but invited me for dinner. It struck me as weird when he insisted I send
him a real time selfie. I obliged but
now I’m a little freaked out. He planned
our date almost a week in advance and then disappeared while he traveled for
work. And I mean completely disappeared
that I almost assumed this date wasn’t happening and I was kind of OK with
that. The day of the date arrived and I
was convinced I had a free night until I got a text while I was driving home
from work. I almost backed out but
again, he seemed nice. I finally had a
normal date, even though I did drop my margarita…but it provided a good
story. I actually went on a second date with
The Consultant even though I was pretty sure neither of us were super into
it. That was confirmed when he actually
texted me and said that. Although I didn’t
really like him, I definitely didn’t think he should be the one to get to say
that. We’re now snapchat friends. I took another bumble hiatus.
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